Thursday, June 14, 2012

Jimmy Jimmy


Mike is in an anonymous lock-up garage. He is covered in mud and concrete dust. He is on the phone.

Mike   Never you mind. You just tell them we’ve got Jimmy, that’s all they need to know. And they’re not getting him back unless the price is right. (Pause) You’re a bold bugger aren’t ya? Just print that. (Pause) No bloody comment. 

Hangs up. Larry enters from an adjoining room, ashen faced.
He is similarly dirty.

Mike   They’ll run it. Told night shift fella we’d use t’Post as a communication channel. Sales’ll go through the roof.

Larry  Mike…

Mike   JCB go back alright?

Larry  Yeah, it’s back on site.

Mike   You wipe it down for prints?

Larry  Aye, but Mike –

Mike   (checks watch) 4am. Light soon. We should crack on.

          Mike picks up two crowbars.

Larry  Wait.

Mike   What?

Larry  I heard something.

Mike   Is someone here?

Larry  No, I mean, from inside.

Mike   Inside what?

          Larry indicates the room next door.

Mike   What, the coffin?

          Larry nods.

Mike   Fuck’s sake, don’t be daft.

Larry  I’m not.

Mike   Larry, it’s late, it’s been a long night, I’m not in t’mood for a wind-up.

Larry  I’m serious.

Mike   I think maybe you need to get some sleep mate.

Larry  It was a voice.

Mike   Maybe a shrink and all.

Larry  I ain’t going back in there.

Mike   Oh don’t do this to me.

Larry  I mean it.

Mike   You don’t believe in that shite.

          Mike hands Larry one of the crowbars.

Mike   Take this, shut yer face, and let’s finish this.

Larry  He said ‘Now then’.

Mike   He said what?

Larry  ‘Now then’.

Mike   You’re hearing things.

Larry  I swear.

Mike   Just the once?

Larry  What?

Mike   Just one ‘now then’?

Larry  I think so.

Mike   Yes or no.

Larry  Aye.

Mike   But you can’t be sure.

Larry  Yeah, I’m sure.

Mike   Well that’s alright then.

Larry  Why?

Mike   Cos if it really was him he’d have said it twice wouldn’t he? ‘Now then, now then’. Shows you were hearing things.

Larry  This isn’t right.

Mike   It’s a bit bloody late for that.

Larry  People loved him.

Mike   That’s why they’ll pay us a lot of money.

Larry  I wrote to Jim’ll Fix It once.

Mike   Yeah?

Larry  Aye.

Mike   What d’you ask for?

Larry  You remember Schofields on t’Headrow?

Mike   The department store? Aye.

Larry  Well there was this section with all crystal glassware – vases and bowls and chandeliers and wotnot. And whenever I was in there with me Mam I always had this massive urge to run through it, sweeping me arms all along the shelves and for everything to go flying off and smash on the floor. It’d make a brilliant noise.

Mike   That’s what you asked Jim for?

Larry  Yeah.

Mike   And did he fix it for you?

Larry  No.

Mike   Bastard.

Larry  Never even got a reply.

Mike   Then this is payback.

Larry  Wasn’t his fault. S’a stupid idea.

Mike   I think it’s brilliant.

Larry  You would.

Mike   I’d do that. It’d be ace. Hey it’s never too late. Can do it later today if y’like.

Larry  Schofields closed down.

Mike   Oh yeah. Harvey Nicks?

Larry  I think the moment might’ve passed Mike.

Mike   You were lucky. He’d only have touched you up. Weirdo used to perve over my niece down Roundhay chippy. Pinched her arse once, she said.

Larry  He ran two hundred marathons for charity.

Mike   So what do you propose, at this stage? That we make the ransom one final act of fundraising? Give it all to Leeds General Infirmary? If we raise enough for a new wing maybe they’d even let us cut the tape.

Larry  I think I want out.

Mike   No chance.

Larry  I mean it.

Mike   You’re in this up to your neck.

Larry  I made a mistake.

Mike   Tell you what. Help me open him up and let’s have a look at the bling. Maybe that’ll change yer mind.

Larry  He spoke, Mike. I swear he spoke.

Mike   We can have a bit of a natter with him then can’t we? Ask what Heaven’s like and that. Come on Mystic Meg. Time for the moment of truth. Let’s jimmy open Jimmy. With any luck there’ll be a nice fat cigar each waiting for us.

          Mike takes his crowbar and exits.
          Larry stands there looking at his.

Mike   (off) Fuck me!

Larry  What? Mike? What?

Blackout.

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